| Pieces of surrender |
[May. 7th, 2006|12:18 pm] |
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Is surrender something that occurs all at once for you, or in stages? Can one be partially surrendered?
Surrender to my Mistress definitely does not occur all at once, it waxes and wanes with my Mistresses moods, or matters of consistency. There was a quote from an online forum that I belong to, and it helps to see that others go through the same thing at times as my Mistress. "My issue lies in staying a Domme, all the time, no matter how I feel. Sometimes... I just wanna cuddle. I get needy, scared and have my hopes and dreams shattered like everyone else. I love my leather bustier, my slapper leather paddle, my flogger and seeing a man squirm beneath my touch. But sometimes, I just don't want to be the one making the decisions about the chores or the bills. And sometimes, when life just has me feeling really low and down about myself, I don't really feel I deserve being cherished."
I understand that the role of Mistress is hard, but it is just as equally hard to be a slave when you don't know what is what, or whether you are coming or going. But there are also times when I want to be left along too. I just believe that our lives get so busy, that it is hard to keep up with everything. We both have to learn how to get into some type of rhythm with each other. So my surrender definitely does have stages that I go through. I believe that the more stages I go through, the easier it will be for me to surrender at all times without Her having to do much. I think there will come a day, where I will completely understand and know where my place is. These things just take time. That's reality. I know I have a long way to go as far as training and such, but I do believe that day will come. It just takes patience, and the eagerness to please when She does Dominate me. It does get frustrating, but the one thing I am learning is patience. I am finding that it used to my thoughts were more on play, but now my thoughts are more so in pleasing Her, I have my moments definitely, but I love when She Dominates me, that is what gets me in my mind set, then it does not have to do with play, it has to do with I will do whatever She tells me to. Yes it stinks at times, but I don't know many slaves that don't have their inner thoughts or feelings. Sometimes I hate reading my journal, but this is real life. Do I desire to become a slave in all aspects, thoughts, feelings, of course. But is it truly reality, I don't know. I see others living the lifestyle, but it does take a lot of effort on both parts. So I look at it this way, if both parties want it bad enough to work, then it will, if they don't want to try, then it won't work.
I do believe a person can be partially surrendered because of the inner workings of a relationship, like I said it all depends on the effort of both parties, one who is willing to submit all at all times, and one who is willing to control all at all times. Of course, reality is, that it won't be ALL the time, but while in the presence of one another in private, or around lifestyle friends, I think that is important to working up to full surrender. My role as Her slave, depends on really how much of it She truly wants to take. I think She understands that. People say if you are a slave, then you are a slave, sure I have a slave mindset, but the mind is untrained in all methods of being a slave. I think that any slave needs training. |
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| Boring Night! |
[May. 6th, 2006|09:50 pm] |
Mistress has asked me to answer some questions from Kindlings, so I will try to answer at least 1 tonight, one of them being:
Would you want to be trained (in whatever areas applied) by someone who you were not owned by? Why or why not? In what areas?
Mistress is always telling me that I need to be trained, which by that, I don't even have a clue anymore what She means. I used to want to be trained so badly, but now, I take things as they come. I think I would want to be trained in my reactions to certain things, to learn how to keep my mouth closed. Unfortunately, I have a mouth. Which gets me into more trouble than not. Plus, I would love to be trained in ways that a slave learns. Mistress and I are so busy sometimes that training becomes the bottom of the list sometimes. I know when I have crossed a line with Her, or I have done something wrong, but on the otherhand, I am not so sure how to behave. I think that being trained by Mz. Kay would be helpful entirely. Her slave, sherry, behaves so eloquently, she is always in tune with Her Mistress, her needs, etc. I think that being trained by Mz. Kay would help me to learn how I am supposed to react in every area as a slave to my Mistress.
One area would be my mouth, second would be to learn from Her what things I should anticipate, or act upon for my Mistress, I do a lot for my Mistress, but sometimes I feel as if I am not truly pleasing Her. I am not sure what I else I need to be trained to do, but I think that anything that Mz. Kay would train me on, would make my Mistress happy, because they are both so close. Mistress has asked Mz. Kay for help in training me, but I think Mz. Kay is just as busy as we are. |
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| Happiness hurts |
[May. 4th, 2006|08:54 pm] |
"Why is it that we yearn to be more or other than we are? It so rarely occurs to us that what we are looking for may be- indeed, always is- already within us, undiscovered." -Toinette Lippe
The above question happens to be a good question. I tend to sympathize with it. Reason being is I find that a lot of people are always yearning to be more than what they are, or yearning for something they think they want. But if we all sat back and looked at our qualities that are good in us then perhaps we could be satisfied if we held dear to those qualities and used more of them on a daily basis. I have found that finding my positive side again has helped me, and no one else but me could achieve that has been truly rediscovered. So I believe that we all have things that hold us back in life. But when we look inside ourselves we can become so much more, completely on our own, if we just reach inside, dig real deep and pull it out. It does not take any type of relationship dynamic for that to happen. That type of positivity, I pulled out of myself when I was constantly fighting with her. To me, my reality is, I have a busy life, so does she. But at times she has to reach inside of herself to see that a slave cannot be a slave when they are being a slave to themself. There is such a thing as one person expecting and demanding so much, and the other gets nothing in return, and in the end there is no happiness.
A person does not have to be a slave to look inside and discover those qualities. Being a slave in the sense of the word is extremely hard, it takes a lot more self discipline than one would think. One believes that they are in control, but when they can't keep the control going because of life itself, the spark that starts that fire fades and dies away. The desire fades, the yearning becomes to be normal again, to be equals, with equal responsibilities. It takes the slave everything they have not to become disappointed, or disobedient. Then there's the punishments when you act up because there was no attention, so then you are at fault when you act up. So in a sense it takes shutting down your emotions, and hiding them within yourself so you don't be disrespectful. My stomach is turning today, I used to keep things in all the time, I am finding keeping everything in is going to effect me a lot more than I think it will. I have no rights in our home, but in the outside world I have just as many as the rest of us. Sometimes the outside world is a much more pleasant place.
Self-conquest is really self-surrender. Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess." -Thomas Merton
The above quote is so true. I have conquested many parts of myself, and especially recently. But I ask at times am I strong enough to truly surrender? I probably am, but do I become weak when the power exchange is not equal? I think so. I still do not possess all I want, I want my career to be started already, as I have lost one, now getting very itchy for it to happen, I want it now. I want our lives to be easier. Do I possess the strength to carry us both all the time, I try, but it does get stressful. So I guess I have a lot of self-conquest, and self surrender to do, before i can reach the ultimate goal. |
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| On the road again... |
[May. 3rd, 2006|05:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
On the road, a windy, curvy and extremely strict road......eeek. LOL. You think that I should be doing back flips huh? Well apparently you don't live in my house! All kidding aside, let's just say Mistress has been on my butt, and when I mean on it, I mean on it. Lastnight Mistress told me I need to know exactly what you need, and that I know that She does not have to ask me that. She said if I am serious about being a slave, then She is just as serious about being my Mistress. She said that She is taking this seriously and nothing is going to change, and that She also understands that it has to be proven by Her and trust needs to be rebuilt. But She has also noticed She does get me to submit when She is extremely consistent in what She says, and does. I also understand given our lives that it is hard to be consistent, so I give Mistress a lot of credit.
I think that having Her mentor guide Her, not tell Her what to do in so many words, but guide Her and give Her ideas has helped ten fold. So, I am seriously on a road to becoming the slave that I have always wanted to be. Yes Mistress has been strict, I have been punished more in the past few days than I have since we signed a contract on February 23rd. It's funny how revelations can truly have an effect on people. Anyway, I had told Her that I needed to know that I can't get away with things that I expect to be punished when I break a rule. I expect Her to truly tell me what She expects of me on a daily basis. Instead of things being confused and then I get yelled at for it if I don't do something. Nobody can read minds. Yes I do a lot of things without being told, believe me in that sense. She doesn't have to tell me to make the bed for Her, or do laundry, or do dishes. But if it's something I truly never do, then it does become confusing when I get yelled at for it.
So those are brief things, but She said that as soon as She got home from school today, which She did do, that She would make up a list of Rules and Tasks, plus Her expectations of me. So I had to type those up for Her. She is truly amazing, I love Her so much. I am a little shocked at the change in Her, but it is also understandable. The desire in Her to own me has become so great that it amazes me sometimes. It's not a bad thing, yes it is scary, I know that the more control She takes, the less free will I have. So of course knowing that makes me a little uneasy, but I have no choice now. I agreed to this a long time ago. My choices are no longer my own.
The following question has actually sparked a thought in me: Do you crave structure in your life, or are you more of a 'go with the flow' sort of person?
I would have to say I do crave structure because if I was a go with the flow type of person in every area I would not want control. I don't think I would even care about D/s. I desire to give up control, please Her, and obey Her. Is it always easy to live by someone else's rules, heck no. Do I sometimes curse under my breath, especially when Mistress says something rude, yes. But I have feelings, just like the rest of us. But I definitely crave Her structure, Her control, Her Dominance, Her desires to play with me, and Her desires for me to please Her. Structure to me is easy to follow, I know what I have to do for Her, I do know how to anticipate, but Her Structure is something that helps me get through otherwise boring monotonous days.
Signing out................ |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2006|10:16 am] |
Another exercise from Kindlings website:
What 5 personal traits/skills do you find to be the most useful in *your* service? Do you believe there are universal traits/skills that are useful in all forms of service?
This question is difficult to answer for me. It takes some thought. But I think the 5 personal traits/skills I find most useful in my service are:
1) The ability to give up control when it is taken properly. I can definitely conform, which I think in my actions Mistress can see that. I want my conformity in my service to Her to show. I want all control to be taken from me. I don't think she understands that as of yet. When I say everything, I mean everything. I know I hate that word myself "everything." So I will explain, when I smoke, when I go to the bathroom, what I wear, what I eat, when I sleep, where I sleep, Her training of me etc.
2)Confidence is a personal trait I have gained back recently. Which makes me feel good, and gives me the ability to be a slave more than ever. I also have confidence in my ability to be a good slave when properly taken.
3) Intelligence is a great trait that I have when I use it...lol. My intelligence actually helps a lot in my service to Mistress, but it also helps me to be sarcastic, rebellious, etc. I just never think Mistress ever understood that until this past weekend.
4) Curiousity, I have become more and more curious over the past couple of months about the real people in the lifestyle, and seeing the real things going on around me is truly amazing. It makes you realize how much you have been missing out on in life. I am also so curious to see where and how far I will get in my service to Mistress.
5) Conscientious in the things that I do. When I do something for Mistress I am extremely conscientious of doing it correctly so Mistress is pleased with the things that I have done.
I don't know if there are universal traits in all forms of service, everyone runs their relationships differently. But I can say that a person has to have some traits that are helpful in their service such as the desire to submit, if the desire is not there then it will never work. Adaptability is definitely another one. A person definitely has to adapt to being owned, and not being able to do whatever they wish. Open minded is definitely another. If one is closed minded then it would make the lifestyle difficult to accept. Being resourceful is another. A submissive always has to have the ability to be resourceful in their service to please a Dominant. Receptiveness is another, being receptive to learning new things about oneself, about service to their Dominant, and pleasing another before oneself. Last but not least, loyalty. Loyalty is very important in a D/s lifestyle. |
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| Lightbulb moment? |
[May. 2nd, 2006|09:36 am] |
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| |  awake | ] |
My it has been a long time since I have written. A lot has gone on. There have been a lot of discussions between Mistress and I, there have also been many revelations. Especially for Mistress. Mistress and I went through our phases, our times of not agreeing, and yes even arguments. We had put a stop to D/s, because either one of us would not be in the same place at the same time. There have been many times that I have tried to spell so many things out to Mistress, but I think that hearing it from other people gave Her an "A-Ha" moment. Mistress went to a play party at Her mentor's house. She got to see a lot, and she also had the opportunity to speak with another male submissive and Her mentor. She came home, and asked me is that how you feel. I had told Her that I had been trying to tell Her about my feelings for a long time, but She never got it. She said that this male submissive (Cory) has had a long battle with His Mistress, they seperated for awhile, and just got back together about 3 weeks ago. He had told Her a lot of the same things that we go through. It made Her understand so much more to hear it from someone else going through a lot of the same things. She completely understands now that the power exchange has got to be equal on both ends or else it never works. Cory had told Her that control is a very important part of submission, etc.
We went to Mistresses mentor's house on Sunday too. Mistress can never get enough of Her mentor. Mz. Kay is a wonderful person. I respect Her highly. She has helped Mistress with a lot. Mistress seems to have finally gotten the fact that if She wants a slave, then She is going to have to not let me get away with nothing. I had spoken to Mz. Kay about how I felt. The inconsistency with Mistresses actions, and the on again and off again control. It used to make me feel so bad when Mistress would tell me that I am not a slave. It used to hurt me to the core. So many times I have wanted to blurt out well you are not a "Dominant." But I never did. Mz. Kay is also going to be helping Mistress with my training. It also seems that Mistress since Sunday morning has not let up on control whatsoever. It is almost crazy. Mz. Kay told Mistress yesterday, that my Mistress is actually seeing that my Mistress is finally learning Her power over me. Mz. Kay is actually seeing changes in my Mistress.
It is hard to put all of this into writing, but also just as hard to put it into words. Mistress has learned so much with toys, and other things. Mistress played with me so hard on Sunday night, that it was the first time that I woke up being sore. Mistress is becoming a sadist to a degree. But I also know that in the right hands I can definitely enjoy masochism. Mistress did not really let up on Her control over me all day yesterday. Which was weird for me in all honesty. She even played hard with me again yesterday. She is enjoying seeing me sore. She keeps saying she wants my "ass" black and blue. She probably could succeed at this point. It is red, and has welts all over. She even flogged my back, and used a dragons tail on me. It was a very different experience than what I am used to. She even said that it was the first time she had seriously seen me in sub space.
Mistress has told me that She also noticed a huge change in me yesterday. I always had a difficult time addressing Her as Mistress, or even yes Ma'aming Her. I guess because of the inconsistency. She said that She thought I was wonderful all day yesterday. I am just afraid to give my all, and things go back to the way they were. But when She takes control it is so much easier for me to submit. Yes, I do try to rebel, but not as bad as I normally do. I know my journal entries have been crazy, sometimes downright just back and forth. I just hope they become more consistent. She informed me lastnight that she wants me to start doing entries again. So, I will listen. I am just hoping things remain consistent. I know we have crazy lives, and that makes it hard sometimes, but She seems to want this really bad, just as I did in the past. I am still a positive person more so than I have ever been in the past 3 years. I am glad for that change in me. I am going to be positive about Mistress and not doubt Her, although it does scare me.
Mistress gave me an exercise to do from Kindlings website. It is a good site for journal prompts. Obviously today, I have not had a problem writing. But she wants me to do several exercises. I don't honestly know how my journal entries help Her. By this I mean, She never really got "me" before when I wrote. So I am hoping that She understands more and more. I believe that Mz. Kay has helped Her a lot, and will continue helping Mistress bring out Her natural Dominance before long.
1. What words do you associate immediately with the following words?
- fear- The power exchange between us dissipating, or being inconsistent.
- doubt- The inability to give my all when Mistress does not give Her all.
- kneel- Lack of control, awaiting Her orders.
- submit- Giving up control, being at Her whim, pleasing Her in every way possible.
- deprivation- Not having something that a I want, but having to give it up because Mistress will not allow it.
- responsible- Taking actions seriously, not laxing back, considering others, not faltering in what you have to do or what you say you will be doing.
- brainwash- I don't truly believe in this word.
- collar- Being owned.
- tears- Sadness, loss of something, hurt, upset, even angry.
- complete- Not lacking in anything, feeling whole.
- accountability- Taking responsibility in your actions. Following through with actions the words that you say.
- isolation- alone, lacking friends, lacking the opportunity to be around others. Feeling lonely, worthless, not good enough.
- authority- Control, respect, someone's power over another. |
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| Decisions, decisions! |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|07:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
Not much to say today, Mistress and I had a busy day, school and such. Mistress is babysitting our niece tonight, although, Mistress says she has plans for me tonight, I am not sure that it will happen given having two kids in the house. But, I tend not to doubt Mistress, I just think that She will be tired. But, I will not assume anything anymore. Today has been a good day albeit, Mistress and I may have been busy, but I have been calm and positive. Yes, I have had things on my mind, but I had spoken to one of my old instructors about it, although, he could not give me advice, he told me to write a list of the pros and cons of both situations. Which helped me stay positive. Believe me, I won't lose this positive attitude no matter what.
Mistress would like to see more submission, and when I told Her I was ready, completely ready, I guess I should give that up for Her. I just don't want Her to feel as if I am rushing into anything, and pushing Her to push to hard either. So I should not assume, but this is just my feeling. She says She wants all of me, and all of my submission, but I don't want to push Her to controlling, and Dominating me so soon. Given our recent problems and such. So, I figured I would lay back and give Her room to breathe too. But as far as it goes, I think She wants more, and She says She does, but I don't want to assume here either. I feel as if I start asking for everything and being completely available for everything, maybe Mistress would feel overwhelmed. I don't want to overwhelm Her anymore than She already is. I love Mistress completely, and I would never do anything to hurt Her, or make Her feel I am not willing to do this with Her.
Well that's all for today. I am happy as usual, just have to work things out in my mind, and decide what is right for me and for Mistress, and of course our son. I just want to make the right choices. It seems as if no matter what choice I make, it never seems to be the right one. But I will make the best out of any choice that I make, and know that I am doing things for my own personal benefit, not everyone elses. I just wish in the past I could've made the right choices. That is my only resentment. But alas, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has something that they will regret. So I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind, and know that I have given up years of my life due to my resentment of my choices. It's time to move on, and make choices that will benefit me in the end. Mistress I am so glad that You have been there with me through all of this. I can never thank you enough.
Signing out................! |
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| Reflections |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|06:22 pm] |
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| |  cheerful | ] |
When I reflect on how long, and how much time Mistress and I have been together it sometimes amazes me how we ever got into these periods of fighting, or not being able to communicate properly. Sometimes I believe it is a period of growth for the both of us. Life does certainly take unexpected turns, but things have always been somewhat hard for us financially, which doesn't help, but in another sense, we are taking positive steps to a better and more secure future. The one thing that I have to say is that I am glad that our "growth" period is over. It's hard to call it growth, I think that all people have inner turmoil at some point or other. But it is how you handle that turmoil is always the deciding factor. A lot of people don't take hard periods in life in a positive face, and the outcome in the end can be devastating. Meaning, the hard periods sometimes ruin people. Whether it is depression, drugs, alcohol, it's when you give up and withdraw from society. I have heard the term in a writing at some point in time, that God must be a Sadist, now I don't mean any offense to God in any way. Because I do believe in that higher power. But when you think about it, people do go through an awful lot in life. But I think God allows it because he wants to see how we all handle ourselves. To get to my point, Mistress and I have made the commitment to run our lifestyle in an according fashion. Things will still be 24/7, but on a level where we are both still human. LOL, if that is even possible, kinky humans, but humans.
I believe a lot of it had to do with me too. I think once someone knows that all control does get handed over to someone else, it is a hard nut to swallow. I don't think emotionally I was entirely ready for all of it. All in all, I think I had to find my place, and reorganize myself before I could entirely give myself to her. Everything, is not perfect with me, but it never will be with anyone. But, I intend to keep my drive on my behaviors now, moreso than I was. I have found a positive place in life, and I am holding onto it for dear life. Why, because I am finding I feel better about myself, I feel better about the way I should be handling things in life, and I know that I will get places faster with the outlook I have on life now. I like me like this. I like feeling positive. My emotional state is so strong now, that nobody could conquer me....lol, except for Mistress. But that's not a bad conquer. I told Mistress lastnight I was ready, completely and utterly ready. I know that it made her happy. I sometimes feel as if I want to delete all of my old journal entries because of my back and forth, and complaining, and just my general attitude. But I don't think Mistress would be happy about that. But I think from this point on, I will notice only positive things happening in my life. Even in my journal. Life is good.....thanking my lucky stars for everything that made me realize this.
Signing off! |
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| What to say? |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|08:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
Not really much to say today in all honesty, I know that I went on a rampage the last time I wrote, but Mistress and I have kind of slowed things down, quite a bit. We have been arguing, not seeing eye to eye, and we also needed time to sort things out. Mistress has been a little low too, things have not been going well for either one of us. We actually have kind of brought things to a complete halt in all honesty. So that is depressing in a sense, but we were fighting back and forth about it anyway. Mistress has her things to work on, and so do I. But right now, I believe it is more Her than me. I think last night I made a break through with Her though. We both spoke calmly, and I had pointed out that she had changed a lot, and stuff like that. She has been constantly jumpy and defensive. So that has not helped us at all.
I am kind of sad that we brought things to a complete halt, but in another sense, the fighting and arguing over "it," and whatever else that we were fighting about was becoming damaging to the both of us. Which doesn't help when a power exchange is supposed to be happening. I want to go back into everything full force, and I believe She does too, but I think She needs time. So I sit and wait. That's all I can do at this point. Good news though, Mistress is still communicating with Her Mentor, and it looks as if they are getting together next Tuesday, or Wednesday. So I know Mistress is looking forward to that. I feel kind of left out, and it stinks to spend the day by myself, but I will be fine. I don't get to spend too much time with Mistress, because of working at night, and busy schedules, etc. So I hope She has a good time. Don't really know what will happen, but I am sure she will have a lot to talk about that night.
I on the other hand, have nothing really going on. I am learning to re-create my mindset with school work and such, which is actually a positive thing. I am being more positive about life, and in everything that I do. Which seems to be helping. I just got an 89 on a Sociology exam. So it proves the point right there. I just want to try really hard in everything that I do anymore. I am tired of looking at myself poorly when I have to put the effort in. I have been practicing on not procrastinating so much, which also seems to be helping. I think the more I practice in positive behavior, and hard work, the better I will do in life. That is how I used to do things. I think I am even going to get myself a board to put in our bedroom for the wall. Important dates, timelines I want to get things done by, even with Mistress I will do that. I will put a timeline on myself, so this way by a certain date or time, she will recognize if a behavior has changed. I am going back somewhat to the person I used to be, but in a new way....lol. You won't understand what I am talking about, but Mistress and I do. I need to do these things again for myself. I have finally recognized a lot, and am putting it to good use again. I am actually proud of the changes I am making, it is making me feel better about myself, and more positive. I feel like I can take on the world. This is so much better than being depressed. No more, I can't do that, I feel stupid, it is I can do that, but somethings I will have to work harder at doing. Hey I even shocked myself, I did Math homework tonight. Math is not my topic....so that is something that is a miracle. But I am changing step by step, getting stronger for the person I need to be. Now, I have to keep this momentum in everything.
Signing out for tonight! |
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| Recent reading. |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|05:48 pm] |
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| |  blah | ] |
Today, this slave starting reading the book by Jack Rinella, "Becoming a Slave, The Theory and Practice of Voluntary Servitude. This slave would actually recommend it to anyone who wants to start the journey. A lot of the things said, the thoughts, the honesty, and foremost, what Slave Patrick says make total sense to this slave.
There was a line written on page 11 "The first thing you will have to do is overcome your fear. Even if you've wanted it all of your life, when the moment of truth is at hand, part of you resists." This is so true. No matter what "ideas" you have in your head, nothing prepares for the slap in the face you truly get. It also says about resistance: "This resistance to our desires occurs time and time again, sometimes for years. And when you do begin to make positive steps to pursue your desire, the resistance can even get stronger." Also, I liked "a true slave never loses his strength or dominance. Erotic slavery isn't being beaten into submission. Quite the contrary, you retain those good parts of yourself and turn them to helping you serve........" I also liked the fact that Jack Rinella said "Those who are committed to obey and serve us Masters have accepted a high calling, one that I find most honorable and I honor them for doing so. Though many disagree with me (and they have every right to do so), I find the use of lower case and of impersonal pronouns demeaning. It certainly does nothing to acknowledge the high value I place on what slaves are and what they do."
This book also gives some activities, which I am going to attempt to do some of them here: Pg. 13
My first contact with the idea of slavery? Well it was about 3 years ago. My Mistress had introduced it to me, but in a totally different dynamic. I researched it, and read tons, and tons. But nothing is like reality. Online does not even do the lifestyle any justice. It is all about meeting real people, in a real lifestyle, living the lifestyle for real. Nothing can ever compare to it.
How did I feel about it then? Really it was all a fantasy until I started living it, and intertwining everything in my life. To understand the emotions that go through one's mind during the whole transition is mind blowing. Frustrating. Sometimes happy, sometimes lonely, and sometimes even fearful. Fearful of what you are giving to another, and fearful of how they will treat it. There is a lot of abuse out there, psychologically I believe that a BDSM lifestyle can truly harm the individual submitting if not done correctly. Hatred can grow out of it towards the one the slave is to serve. Resentment for the person they become can happen too. A lot can happen. The lifestyle is definitely not something to be taken lightly or even as a fantasy.
How do I feel about it now? Still scared, yes somewhat anxious, extremely lonely, because I see Mistress making all these friends, as I did. But it is Mistress they choose to talk to. It almost feels as if you take on a role, and everyone demeans your existence. I know she is soaking it up, but me on the other hand am starting to really feel like a piece of nothing.
Why do I find it attractive? Because in a certain way I think with the right people it can grow into something wonderful. The wrong people and it can become disastrous. It is definitely a balancing act.
Why am I reading this book? To understand, and learn more about being a slave, and the true value of serving. Not just the fantasy, but the reality. The reality is even if I am truly to be a slave I want to hold my head up still.
Why do you want to be a slave? I wanted to be a slave for a stronger connection to my Mistress, but it seems to be pushing us a part. Partly because of my fear at losing myself in all of this, but because it hurts her so much, and she becomes relentless about what She wants. I thought it would strengthen our relationship, make us grow, and I would enjoy serving her needs.
What myths and assumptions about slavery do you think you have that might not be based on reality? Well, everyone has those going in. But one myth I would have to say is the power thing, the ability for another individual to break someone, and have total control over them. I think some of the myths out there are not practical, like orgasm denial. I believe it to be cruel. But a lot of Mistresses use it on male submissives because they say it breaks them. Why would you want to break someone's spirit just to get them to submit to you? Doesn't make sense. I think the myth about the ability to just switch into a mode is almost unheard of. Nobody ever says what type of headspace, no one is honest enough to say I fear this, instead of yes I follow my Master around all the time like a robot. Or I love my Master so much, I have no opinions whatsoever. It is actually sickening sometimes to see the online world. Nothing is honest.
Well this all I can say right now. |
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mistresses_slut's journal